I've been writing out my Christmas cards these last few days, thinking about my friends and family, and the way we keep in touch.

It's different for everyone, of course, but for me it apparently goes like this:

I talk to my family alot but it comes in waves. When I'm writing, I disappear and they know not to call. They know I love them, that I'll call when I can and be back when I'm done, and there are no hard feelings. We root for each other to enjoy our lives, whether we're enjoying them separately or together. Of course. I want nothing but happiness for them, and them for me.

My friend Bonnie and I have been bffs for thirty+ years now, and for many of those years, we've lived in different states and only gotten together maybe once or twice a year. This hasn't changed how we feel about each other, or how grandly we get along. It's probably even strengthened it, as we're very different people in a lot of ways, and since we're not up each others' noses all the time, those differences become fun, open doors and interesting ways, rather than sore spots from butting heads. We allow each other all the space we need to grow, even if it's in different directions, but are still always there for each other. I can ask or tell her anything, and she me, without fear of block-headed judgement. (Although she's still better at this than me.)  She's taught me alot and I love her dearly -- she is brilliant, funny, kind and wise -- and we keep in sporadic touch via email or phone, but not constantly. No big deal, because whenever we do speak, we pick up right where we left off. Our friendship has withstood the tests of time and distance. It has deep roots. I love roots.

I have buddies from grade and high school on my Christmas card list, people I'll consider friends until I die, even though I haven't seen them in years. We got along like wildfire in the past, then life stepped in and sent us in different directions, but we don't hold that against each other because even the thought of that is too bizarre. Everyone is allowed to live their own lives, to make their own choices, and we cheer each other from separate places because we are friends, and that's what lifelong friends do. 

I haven't seen or heard from Tom, a buddy from high school, since 1994 (and before that since 1978), but that doesn't mean he isn't my friend. I send him a Christmas card every year and don't get one back but it doesn't matter because I know that like cyclic locusts, at some point we will re-emerge, get together and talk, laugh, have lunch, wish each other well, and that will hold us for another ten or fifteen years. It's comfy, it's good, it suits us.
 
My friendship with another high school buddy Chris is similar. We talk maybe twice a year, catch up on busy lives, laugh like anything, and then part knowing we're still good. We make it easy for each other because if we made it hard, we might have fallen apart years ago and lost out on the friendship we have now.

My friend Frank, who moved across the country back in 8th grade, and I have kept in contact for all those years. First with handwritten letters and occasional phone calls, then email, now Facebook, email and occasional phone calls. We get together every so often when he comes out, and someday I'll go out and visit him and his family. He's a good friend.

I could go on and on, as I have a very soft spot in my heart for old girlfriends, too. And old teachers. Haven't seen them in years but still the cards go out, and the emails occasionally fly between us. 
 
So for me, a not-always-constant-companion, my best friends (including family) are people who go with the flow of life, and graciously grant me the same necessary space without resentment or rules, who don't count the days that we haven't spoken but the fun times we'll have when we do. They know life is riddled with challenge and change and it's busy so they make it easy, accept the flow with grace, keep the doors to their hearts open knowing that we'll be together when we can and that it's all right that way, that I love them and they love me, and that when we finally reach for each other it will be because we want to, rather than have to out of a sense of guilt or duty. They don't scold or punish me for my absence or I for theirs; we speak and listen, understand and support, we realize that we're never very far away from each other even if we haven't seen each other in years, because we've shared alot and that counts for something.
   
Space, compromise, consideration, open hearts, good will, understanding, love. Those are the components of lifelong friendships for me. Loose reins.
 
So my Christmas card list was very thought-provoking this year. In the best possible way.

Hope yours is a joy, too.